Q. How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Just one. He just holds it in the socket and the world revolves
around him.
Q. You know who likes to hang out with musicians?
A. Drummers
Q. What's the best way to level a stage?
A. Sit the drummer at his kit and when he's got drool coming out of both
sides of his mouth, you're done.
Perfect Pitch: Tossing a soprano sax into a toilet without touching the rim.
Q: How many Musician jokes are there?
A: Just one -- all the rest are true!!
Q: Why can't many vocalists get through the door?
A: They either can't find the key or don't know when to come in.
Q:What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund?
A:The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.
Q: Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
A: Because most shops close by six thirty.
Q: What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver?
A: The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses' asses.
There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician.
The other didn't have any money either.
Q: What happened to Bach after he had 20 children?
A: His Organ Baroque!
Q: Why did Bach have so many children?
A: His organ had no stops.
Q: If Hitler, Stalin and a conductor all walked into the room in which you were standing, and you
had a gun but only two bullets, who would you shoot first?
A: The conductor...twice.
Q: Why are conductors' hearts so coveted for transplants?
A: They've had so little use.
Q: What does a good conductor weigh?
A: 28 ounces, not counting the urn.
We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and
he became a drummer but then lost one and became a conductor.
Q: If you throw a conductor and a violist off a tall building, who'll hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?
Q: What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra?
A: The bull has the horns in front and the ass in the back.
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a conductor?
A: A Doberman.
Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead.
Q: What does new age music sound like played backwards?
A: New age music.
Q: What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?
A: Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.
Q: What do you get when you cross a music critic with a bowling ball?
A: A bowling ball that wouldn't know a good performance if it heard one.
Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Definition of a string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, a would-be violinist and someone
who hates the violin getting together to complain about composers.
Q: How are musicians like linoleum?
A: Lay them good once and you can walk on them forever.
Q: Generally speaking, how late does a band play?
A: About two beats behind the drummer.
Q: What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
A: "Well...I didn't wake up this mornin'..."
Q: What will it take to reunite The Beatles?
A: Three more bullets.
Q: What would Jerry Garcia be doing, if he were alive today?
A: Clawing at the lid of his coffin.
Q: What was the last thing to go through Kurt Cobain's mind?
A: His teeth.
Q: What were Kurt Cobain's last words?
A: "Hole is really going to be big."
Q: What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
A: The dressmaker tucks up the frills.
Q: What do you see when you look up an alto's dress?
A: A tenor.
Q: How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They can't get that high!
Q: How does a singer change a light bulb?
A: She/he holds it and the world revolves around her/him.
Q: What's the difference between a singer and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.
Q: How do you know if a singer is at the front door?
A: She can't find her key.
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
A: Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.
Q: What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
A: Puts on her clothes and goes home.
Q: What's the second thing a soprano does in the morning?
A: Looks for her instrument.
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
A: You can negotiate with the PLO.
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
A: Lipstick.
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.
Q: What's the definition of an alto?
A: A soprano who can sight-read.
Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an average all-pro offensive lineman?
A: Stage makeup.
Q: Why are soprano jokes all one-liners?
A: So tenors can understand them.
Q: If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
A: The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
A: About 10 pounds.
Q: How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
A: Some people actually like sewer rats.
Q: What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
A: One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.
Q: How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
A: The horses seem very relieved.
Q: What's the next thing a soprano does in the morning?
A: Looks for her instrument.
Q: What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
A: Tenors don't have hair on their backs.
Q: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the
high notes.
Q: How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
A: The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.
Q: How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Q: Where is a tenor's resonance?
A: Where his brain should be.
Q: What's the definition of a male quartet?
A: Three men and a tenor.
Q: How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.
Q: What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral
performance?
A: The tennis final has more men.
Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
Q: What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
A: The performance causes more suffering.
Q: Why do high school choruses travel so often?
A: Keeps assassins guessing.
Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
A: A choral director with a mortgage.
Q: What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
A: It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.
Q: What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
A: A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.
Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.
Q: "Hey, buddy, how late do the filkers play?"
A: "Oh, about half a beat behind..."
Q: What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
A: Eventually the puppy stops whining.
Q: How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
A: "Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"
Q: A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. Which one do you run over
first, and why?
A: The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Q: What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
A: Not enough concrete.
Q: Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
A: The good news: it crashed.
A: The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
Q: What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?
A: Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.
Q: What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
A: There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.
Q: What's the difference between God and a conductor?
A: God knows He's not a conductor.
Q: What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A: A mouse trying to become a rat.
Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.
Accordion
Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a lawn mower?
A: If you put both on Home Shopping Network, you could sell the lawn mower.
Q: Who's the patron saint of accordionists?
A: Our Lady of Spain.
Q: What do you call 100 accordionists at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
Q: What's an accordion good for?
A: Learning how to fold maps.
Q: What do you call an accordion player with a beeper?
A: An optimist.
Q: If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands
first?
A: Who cares?
Q: What's a bassoon good for?
A: Kindling for an accordion fire.
Q: What do you call a group of topless female accordian players?
A: Ladies in Pain
Bumper Stickers:
1. Play an accordian--go to jail!
2. Three rows and you're out!
Bagpipes
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.
Q: Did you know the Irish invented the bagpipes as a joke?
A: The Scotts haven't got it yet.
Q: What's the difference between a bagpiper and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.
Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when theymake such a distressing sound.
He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano."
Banjo
Q: What's the best way to play a banjo?
A: With a hack saw.
Q: What's the least used sentence in the English language?
A: "Is that the banjo player's Porsche?"
Q: What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.
Q: What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A: A chain saw has greater dynamic range.
There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken
caught in a vacuum cleaner.
Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget,
sweetheart, I need a new G string."
Bass Guitar
Q: What's the difference between a bass and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.
Q: Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
A: Even a virus has some pride.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Never mind. The piano player can do it with his left hand.
Q: What's the first thing a bass player says when he knocks on yourdoor?
A: "Pizza!"
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1...5...1, 1...4...5...5...1.
Q: What's the difference between Courtney Love, Wayne Gretzky and a female bass player?
A: Gretzky showers after three periods.
Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?
Bass, Upright
Q: How do you make a double bass sound in-tune?
A: Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
Bassoon
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the bassoon recital.
Q: How do you put down a saxophone?
A: Call it a bassoon.
Q: Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
A: The bassoon burns longer.
Q: What is a burning oboe good for?
A: Setting a bassoon on fire.
Cello
Q: What's the difference between a viola and a cello?
A: A cello burns longer.
Q: What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
Q: Why did the cellist get mad at the timpanist?
A: He turned a tuning peg, and wouldn't tell which one.
Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
A: Write, "pp, espressivo."
Q: How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
A: Sell it and buy a violin.
Q: Why are intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the cellists.
Clarinet
Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zone.
Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose.
Q: What's the definition of a nerd?
A: Someone who owns his own clarinet.
Q: How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
Drums
Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the drums but doesn't.
Q: Why do drummers have 1/2 ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves in the parade.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.
Q: What does a drummer say when he gets to his gig?
A: Would you like fries with that, sir?
Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.
Q: How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
A: You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.
Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They have machines to do that now.
Q: Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
A: He had to break the window to get the drummer out!
Q: How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
A: The knock always slows down.
Q: How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
A: Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
Q: Why do bands have bass players?
A: To translate for the drummer.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
A: Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you
have to turn the bulb).
A: None. They have a machine to do that.
English Horn
Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he gyrates so much, he'll fall off the ladder.
Fiddle
Q: What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
A: No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
Flute
Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two flutists playing in unison.
French Horn
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
A: A goal post that can't march.
Q: Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
A: Because man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out of it.
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
You know you're kissing a French horn player when his lips are in the
right place but his hand is up your ass.
Q: How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
A: Have them miss every other note.
Q: What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
A: You can tune a '57 Chevy.
Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I played that last year."
A: "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."
Guitar
Q: How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?
A: Shoot One.
Q: How can you tell a guitarist is at your front door?
A: By the Dominos Pizza hat.
Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.
Q: How do you get a guitarist to turn down?
A: Put some music in front of him.
Q: How do you know when the stage is level?
A: The guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
Q: What do an electric guitar and a vacuum cleaner have in common?
A: Both suck when you plug them in.
Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They just steal somebody else's light.
Q: What did the guitarist do when he was told to turn on his amp?
A: He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
Q: What's the best thing to play on guitar?
A: Solitaire.
Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.
Q: In the 22nd century, how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source?
A: Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
Q: What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
A: The stage is level.
Harp
Q: What's the definition of a 1/4 tone?
A: A harpist tuning unison strings.
Harp players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Q: How long does a harp stay in tune?
A: About 20 minutes...or until someone opens a door.
Horns
Q: What do you call a house occupied by five horn players?
A: A crack house.
Oboe
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
Q: How many oboists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But by the time he gets done shaving the tip, you won't need it.
Q: What's the definition of a "half step?"
A: Two oboes playing in unison.
Q: What's the definition of a "major second?"
A: Two baroque oboes playing in unison.
Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.
Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.
Piano/Keyboards
Q: Why are a pianist's fingers like lightning?
A: Because they rarely strike the same place twice.
Q: What do you get if you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat miner.
Q: What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A: A flat major.
Q: Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
A: It makes a louder noise, when you drop it off a cliff.
Q: Why was the piano invented?
A: So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
Q: What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
A: He puts his Leslie on "slow".
Sax
Q: What's the difference between a bari-sax and a chain saw?
A: Vibrato.
A: The exhaust.
Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change it and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune sax player, an
out-of-tune sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune sax player. The other two indicate you've been hallucinating.
Q: You are in a room with Sadam Hussein, Adolf Hitler and Kenny G. You have a gun but only
two bullets. What do you do?
A: Shoot Kenny G twice...just to make sure.
Q: What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune a lawn mower.
A: Your neighbor will get mad if you don't return their lawn mower.
A: Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
Trombone
Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombone player in the
road?
A: The snake was going to a gig.
A: There's skid marks in front of the snake.
Q: What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
A: Vibrato, though you can minimize the difference by holding the chain saw very still.
A: It's easier to improvise on a chain saw.
Q: How can you make a French horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
Q: How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
A: The doorbell drags.
Q: What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cell phone?
A: An optimist.
Q: How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
Q: How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
Q: What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
A: "Year-At-A-Glance."
Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.
Q: How can you tell which kid on the playground is the child of the trombonist?
A: He/She can't swing and doesn't know how to use the slide.
It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!
Trumpet
Q: How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could've done it.
Q: What's the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don't know either.
Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
Q: Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
A: Gorillas are too sensitive.
The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.
Q: How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I'm better than you."
Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
A: The doorbell shrieks!
Tuba
Q: What's the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm.
Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.
Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.
Q: What's a "tuba for"?
A: 1 1/2" by 3 1/2", unless you request a "full cut."
Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a "tuba glue."
Two tuba players are walking past a bar... (Well, it could happen!)
Viola
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and don't play.
Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
A: A dog knows when to stop scratching.
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: How do you get a violist to play a downbow staccato?
A: Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.
Q: What do violists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?
A: Nobody knows when to come in.
Q: If you throw a violist and a conductor off a tall building, who'll hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?
Violin
Q: How do you know when a violin is out-of-tune?
A: When the bow's moving.
Q: Why is a violin like a scud missle?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q: Why are violins smaller than violas?
A: They're actually the same size. Violinists' heads are bigger.
Q: What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A: A fiddle is fun to listen to.
Q: How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They can't get up that high.
Q: Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their
instruments?
A: Violins don't have spit valves.
Q: Why should you never drive a roof nail with a violin?
A: You might bend the nail.
Q: Why are viola jokes so short?
A: So violinists can understand them.
Q: How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."
Q: Why don't viola players suffer from piles (h‘morrhoids)?
A: Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.
Got any good ones? Send 'em in! Wes